Parting ways

The following is primarily for adopting healthy habits after breaking up. Much of the ideas are, ironically advice I received from my former partner, who is a behavioral therapist.

Common psychological and behavioral responses after a breakup:

1. A loss of routine: Your time of waking up, going to sleep, showering, eating, grabbing groceries, spending weekends may collapse.
2. Loss of familiar sources of reward and regulation: affection, physical touch, companionship, shared entertainment, sex, conversation, and anticipated plans may suddenly disappear.
3. Triggers/cues: photos, locations, songs, objects, routines, notifications, anniversaries, mutual friends, empty parts of the home.
   Responses: longing, crying, checking, reminiscing, idealization, rumination.
4. Loneliness: an emptier bed, one less mouth to feed, a house that suddenly feels much bigger
5. Freedom: you may feel a mixture of emotions such as happiness and anguish when you do activities which you could not / would not/ allow yourself to do in the prior relationship.

Solutions, or rather, where to spend your time and effort if you want to move on from a behavior psychological perspective

1. Behavioral substitution: Recognize triggers for logging and rumination and deliberately substitute with another behavior see suggestions 4 ~ 10 below.

2. Antecedent/environmental intervention and design: Build an environment where many of the triggers are no longer there. For example, by removing each others location it is much easier to reduce rumination. Such control of stimuli and response opportunities from an environmental perspective is a great place to start.

3. Optional: Breakdown the behaviors you want out of yourself into the following categories and re-build your routine, it doesn't always fit so cleanly:

   	Add something (Positive)	Remove something (Negative)
   Increase behavior (Reinforcement)	Positive reinforcement(Add something desirable → behavior ↑): I have been reading more about BB codes and feeling satisfied after reading https://arxiv.org/pdf/2603.28627 which has made me want to read more about BB codes in QEC.	Negative reinforcement (Remove something aversive → behavior ↑): When you notice yourself ruminating or feeling distressed while scrolling through memories of a prior partner, choose one of activities 4–10 below. If doing that activity reduces the unpleasant rumination or distress, you reinforce the habit of turning to that healthier activity when rumination begins.
   Decrease behavior (Punishment)	Positive punishment (Add something aversive → behavior ↓): I have urges to contact my former partner on the weekends since I am bored. In these cases, I try and do a chore I dislike which reduces the urge to contact her.	Negative punishment (Remove something desirable → behavior ↓): Not entirely sure what fits here...yet

   *To fill in the boxes correctly, ask yourself after I did the behavior, what happens? Do you feel happier or sadder? Did it increase or decrease the behavior?

4. Avoid intermittent reinforcement loops: such as occasionally texting affectionate messages back to your former partner as it will Increase the urge to text back more often. In such cases, you should strive to opt for no-contact to make sure you achieve extinction

5. Distract yourself, healthily. Use the many event apps that are out there. A few I recommend are Luma, Pie (especially in Chicago) as well as Partiful. Hopefully, these event companies won't age poorly!

6. Run (workout): This is probably the best method to unlearn and re-Pavlov, if you feel any of the symptoms of withdrawal, go run.

7. Build plans to look forward to: reach out to friends and build time to travel and see others.

8. Stay outside of the house (especially if you lived together)

9. Looksmaxxing: I only mean this in a take care of yourself sense. Fix your posture, maintain good skincare and beauty routines.

10. Explore, try and put yourself out their. Pick up new hobbies, I want to try pottery.

11. Dare to ask questions you may have not when in the relationship.

*4–10 primarily create alternative activities, sources of reinforcement, social connection, routines, and environmental contexts that compete with established post-breakup behavioral patterns